Honest or harsh? Decide for yourself.
With each passing day, I am tunneling deeper. I am crawling deeper and deeper into my home, into my family, into myself. I am trying to find the off switch. I have this burning, searing ache cutting through me at every moment of every day and am unable to find a way to make it stop for one single, solitary moment. I want a second to just breathe without pain. My heart is just torn into two. My son is in Ethiopia and we are rapidly running out of time. Courts close August 7th until the end of September. Without a court date in the next 10 days, we are guaranteed a wait until at least October sometime. I so wanted the chance to have my son home for his birthday- November 12. It seems like a total impossibility and is likely not going to happen. I know that I am not in control of this situation and there are reasons beyond my understanding why our process time is taking longer than I want it to. However, that does not make me any less human and it certainly does not change the depth of my feelings. I cannot make anyone understand the love that I feel for this child, my son. I know I have not met him and have seen him in pictures only and have had no "live" interaction-- however my love runs deep and strong. The hurt I am feeling right now is cutting deeper and deeper with each passing day. To anyone who is reading-- if you find your call goes unanswered, your text without reply, your email ignored-- I am trying-- but I am falling apart right now and cannot pull myself together. I am so thankful I could make my three day trip to NY. I needed the very familiar-- it was good for me, it was good for the babes-- I am happy to be home in Florida now. I am struggling and I just want to take the chance to say I am sorry and give my reasons for being evasive or unreachable.
We are right here... in our house... in Florida... with three of our four children. We play together, eat together, have fun together-- but, there is someone missing and I know it. The pain of his absence stings, tears burn my cheeks, my heart aches with desperation. I cannot wait to have our boy home. This is truly one of the hardest parts of the process. I know the hardest part is still to come-- once our son is legally ours-- it is going to be the longest wait ever until we get him home. I know whether it is one day, one week, one month, or even longer... it is going to feel like forever. This Momma already has separation anxiety.
This is an excerpt from a book I am reading. I feel that I have to share it.
The heart aching has begun. This is quite a familiar ache to me. I know others have dealt with this aspect-- my heart is experiencing the muscle memory of aching. My heart has a memory of aching for the ones I love. I ache when my family is out of reach. I ache when I drop visiting family at the airport. My reactions grow stronger and stronger. It takes my breath away and at times seems completely unbearable.