Sunday, July 31, 2011

Honest or harsh? Decide for yourself.

At the risk of sounding too honest or downright harsh, I just wanted to state that there are some questions that are asked of me that are totally inappropriate. If a question is being asked that you would not answer about your own child-- don't ask. Stop and think for a minute-- I have not even met my son. I am tired of trying to be honest in my answers yet attempting to protect the privacy of my child. I can understand that people are well intentioned at times when they ask questions but I would like to say that while I try not to be offended by the questions-- sometimes it seems there are just those folks that are downright nosy and that is the only reason for the question. They just want information for the sake of saying they know or to appease their appetite or craving for information that is undeniably NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. I am putting up my guard-- I am done answering the questions: Why was the child put up for adoption? How could a mother do that? Why would you choose an older child? There are many more but, these will be the main three that get me every time. I am shocked that anyone with a heartbeat can be this ignorant. At the same time, I should not be surprised at all. When will I ever learn that people are people? I am just as guilty of letting thoughtless words fall out of my mouth.
I am brought to tears at the mear mention of my son and our adoption process. I mentally prepare myself each and every day for questions that I may encounter. I know I am not the only person to have gone through this process or this kind of questioning. I have no doubt others have had these same feelings and have never said a word at the risk of offending someone. There are defintely some strong people out there-- I am admitting my weakness and saying: ENOUGH.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

My apologies with explanation...

With each passing day, I am tunneling deeper. I am crawling deeper and deeper into my home, into my family, into myself. I am trying to find the off switch. I have this burning, searing ache cutting through me at every moment of every day and am unable to find a way to make it stop for one single, solitary moment. I want a second to just breathe without pain. My heart is just torn into two. My son is in Ethiopia and we are rapidly running out of time. Courts close August 7th until the end of September. Without a court date in the next 10 days, we are guaranteed a wait until at least October sometime. I so wanted the chance to have my son home for his birthday- November 12. It seems like a total impossibility and is likely not going to happen. I know that I am not in control of this situation and there are reasons beyond my understanding why our process time is taking longer than I want it to. However, that does not make me any less human and it certainly does not change the depth of my feelings. I cannot make anyone understand the love that I feel for this child, my son. I know I have not met him and have seen him in pictures only and have had no "live" interaction-- however my love runs deep and strong. The hurt I am feeling right now is cutting deeper and deeper with each passing day. To anyone who is reading-- if you find your call goes unanswered, your text without reply, your email ignored-- I am trying-- but I am falling apart right now and cannot pull myself together. I am so thankful I could make my three day trip to NY. I needed the very familiar-- it was good for me, it was good for the babes-- I am happy to be home in Florida now. I am struggling and I just want to take the chance to say I am sorry and give my reasons for being evasive or unreachable.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Where are we now??

We are right here... in our house... in Florida... with three of our four children. We play together, eat together, have fun together-- but, there is someone missing and I know it. The pain of his absence stings, tears burn my cheeks, my heart aches with desperation. I cannot wait to have our boy home. This is truly one of the hardest parts of the process. I know the hardest part is still to come-- once our son is legally ours-- it is going to be the longest wait ever until we get him home. I know whether it is one day, one week, one month, or even longer... it is going to feel like forever. This Momma already has separation anxiety.

A couple from our adoption agency went to meet their son. They are delivering Joel his care package-- I would imagine he will receive it tomorrow. I want details so badly-- how does he feel? What does he think? Is he excited? Is he nervous? Did he smile when he got the package? Did he like the "treats" we thought were fun? I cannot wait to see the beautiful face of my oldest son-- please, please, please a picture or even two!

So, we wait. We are hoping, we are praying: Bring our son to us quickly. 13 days left in July and courts are predicted to close August 8th-- that leaves us 21 days... we are ready to go on a moment's notice...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

From: Compelled by Love by Heidi Baker

This is an excerpt from a book I am reading. I feel that I have to share it.

Spirit of Adoption

And he said to him, "Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours." 
-Luke 15:31, NKJV

If we are childlike, we will know God as our Father and see Him as He is. I have a tradition in Mozambique; I never call our children's centers, like our center in Pemba that we call the Village of Joy, "orphanages," because the children are no longer orphans. We see them as ones who have been adopted by their Father in heaven.

Once while in a church in Canada, I was actually stuck to the floor for seven days and seven nights. During this time, Rolland read to me from the Book of Ephesians while God gave me a major revelation about sonship and told me to take in every dying child he placed before us.

Taking in thousands and thousands of orphaned and abandoned children has taught us so much about the nature of the Father heart of God. Just as the father promises in Luke 15, all that God has is ours for the receiving of our inheritance.

God has blessed us in the heavenly realm with every blessing of Christ Jesus (Eph. 1:4). We were chosen and handpicked and have full access to the heavenly realm because of the finished work of the cross. This is key for accessing the heavenly realms of faith.

Your Picture Is On God's Fridge

I do not think it was Arsenio's  purity of heart that made him so irresistible to God; it was his childlike faith. I believe he understands the spirit of adoption and seal of the Holy Spirit so he can run forward in faith to his Father in heaven with no fear of rejection. Arsenio is completely adored by us, he has been taken into our family, and he knows what it means to be adopted by his heavenly Father too.

It is an orphan spirit that causes people to shrink back, peer around the corners, and not believe that there is room enough on their Father God's lap. When we first take in children from the street, they are usually little bandits whose bodies are full of lice and scabies, and they are generally really rotten rascals. 

They are not nice, sweet little children! They are not cuddly little angels. But we welcome them with open arms into our villages. On the weekends, we have sleepovers with eight of our children who have been with us for years and eight of our new children. At first, the new ones are so timid they won't even eat anything from the fridge. They feel that they have to work for what they want-- or they have to steal it. The children who know who they are with us open the fridge and help themselves to everything!

The new children do not yet understand that they were chosen before the foundation of the world; they were predestined to be God's children. They do not yet understand His grace or know that they were adopted as sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with His pleasure and will (Eph 1).

They are still afraid, and they often steal or think they must earn everything and strive for acceptance, They have to learn about adoption into God's family and then trust that they really are wanted. It is a delight to see when they really have a true experience of adoption. They truly do change and find joy! This can only happen as a gift of the Holy Spirit.

The spirit of adoption means we were hand chosen by our heavenly Father. With that choosing comes our rights as sons and daughters of our Father. Let me offer you an illustration. I have two children, Elisha and Crystalyn. I did not get to pick them; I gave birth to them, but I think they are absolutely awesome. I never say, "Hey, I wish you were more like... " No, they are flesh of my flesh and truly amazing people. They make my heart sing. But when we adopt children, we actually go out and look for them-- we choose them.

After fourteen years of ministering to children in the streets and villages of Mozambique, I am beginning to understand more about the spirit of adoption. God is looking for spiritual fathers and mothers who know who they are to Him, who will go into the darkness, look for lost children (spiritual orphans) of all ages, and bring them home to the Father's house.

Our attempts to minister to others may be feeble to some, but they are precious to God. We may minister like a three-year-old drawing their first picture, but we try as hard as we can, and with great joy we scribble our picture for God. We may mess it up or rip the page. But when God our Father looks at what we have done for Him, He says, "It's amazing; it's fabulous!" If God had a fridge in heaven, our pictures would be on it.

As the Father heals the abandoned and orphaned spirits of these children, they start realizing that the kingdom is theirs too. The children who once stole from us are now totally transformed and are leaders at the new children's villages. They no longer have to hide in the shadows and sneak around; their hearts have been made pure by God, and now they have seen His goodness.

Friday, July 1, 2011

The heart aching has begun. This is quite a familiar ache to me. I know others have dealt with this aspect-- my heart is experiencing the muscle memory of aching. My heart has a memory of aching for the ones I love. I ache when my family is out of reach. I ache when I drop visiting family at the airport. My reactions grow stronger and stronger. It takes my breath away and at times seems completely unbearable.

After Roy and I were married, we spent the better part of the first year of our marriage away from each other. I felt that emptiness and heartache of being incomplete. Circumstances that were completely out of our control made it impossible for us to be together in that first year-- let alone be on the same continent. I thought that would be the end of that aching.

Then, we met our son Josiah. It was difficult enough not having met him face to face and feel that aching that he was ours and we could not touch him. This aching only increased when we made our way to Russia to accept him officially as our son and then say good-bye while we waited 8 weeks for our day in court. I had many teary, sleepless nights knowing that our son was away from me and wondering if he was sleeping? Awake? Playing? Sick? Crying? Missing me? Being held? Being loved?

We moved to Florida. My Grandparents are a two hour drive away and the rest of our family is in NY, VA, or overseas. My heart breaks when I say good-bye to family. I crumble at the airport when it is time for drop off. I long for the next visits.

And now, I weep and hurt and ache for my newest son. The ache grows stronger and stronger as my heart remembers the hurts of being separated from the ones I love. The ones I know belong with me. My love for my second son is already so deep, it has only been two days. I am thankful beyond measure for my strong feelings for him. I cannot wait to smother him with my love. I miss him already. I am aching for my son to come home.

We are coming for you Joel-- you hang in there. This Momma cannot wait to get you home. I love you with everything I have already and I am so excited to meet you. Miss you.