Giving thanks...

So, I was writing a post and I had a thought as I was writing: NO ONE IS GOING TO WANT TO READ THIS! I highlighted the document and with one strike of the delete button it was gone.

Just another day...

Is this an appropriate post? I don't know. I want to post with honor and with integrity. I am here to be real and nothing more. So, this is real. This is really my life. I guess if you need to turn a blind eye, do so. I am willing to own my feelings and my life and I am willing to be honest about them. I am not out to hurt anyone or bring anyone shame in the process.


That being said, I would also like to make this statement: I support marriage. I would never advise divorce. I would certainly not promote it as an "easy out" to any problem within a marriage. Divorce is ugly and divorce is difficult. Divorce is definitely not most hurtful to the two parties in the marriage that is ending, but to those surrounding them. The broken relationship of a marriage is usually known to be broken (no matter how much denial is done) by the couple in the marriage. I have had some of my relationships damaged and some even destroyed as a result of divorce. The wreckage after two lives separate affects EVERY SINGLE THING that ever touched the lives of the divorcees. Anyone who says differently-- well, I don't know-- I would dig a little deeper into that one before I believe the veracity of that statement.


My feelings regarding the statement "just another day" have changed dramatically throughout this phase of my life. Divorce is ugly. It should be a four letter word. I am not sure how long I have been divorced. I don't make it a point to keep track. The times and dates don't really matter and they certainly don't change the facts. I have suffered with the terrible feelings that occur to anyone in the aftermath of a divorce. The confusion and mistrust in relationships with anyone (friends, family, or lovers) takes a long time to resolve. Even as I think I have it solved and have learned to trust again-- there it is again-- the confusion of whether or not to trust. One misstep takes a fortune of times to rebuild and repair the relationship. Believe me-- there are not many people that tolerate the ups and downs of working out trust issues that did not originate with them and have absolutely nothing to do with them. The anger and resentment has faded almost completely. For that I am grateful. The physical manifestations of beings so angry-- the palpitations were terrible and the belly problems were unpleasant at best. The bitterness can still be overwhelming at times. What bothers me more than anything is the sense of inadequacy and worthlessness. I can repress everything but the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I hate to wonder if I am good enough. I hate to feel like I should not have good things happen. I hate to feel like I am not going to measure up. I hate to feel that I am not going to be successful in a relationship. The feelings are not always present but every now and then, they rear their ugly head and affect my life in ways I never anticipated or imagined they would. I find that the feelings come when I am having the best time. They creep in and overshadow a good time.


I don't think I can see a day in my life as "just another one" ever again. I am in the process of learning that each day is exactly what I make of it. I have the choice to make it a good day or a bad day. I can react positively or negatively to events. Of course there are outside circumstances that may influence my day one way or another, but truly, it is my reaction to the circumstances that will make or break my day. I have made my attempts at trying to control the roller coaster of emotions so that I can have a smooth ride and it seems the more I try to control, the more I run off the track and spiral out of control. If I just sit back and let it go, let it happen, and give the happenings over to the One that truly is in control, I make it through the day, the week, month, or months with laughs and smiles.


I am not sure why I felt the need to put this down or share any of it. They are my private feelings. Maybe some validation in just getting out there? Who knows? All new stuff for me and still learning it all. I don't know when or if I will ever "get over" all this stuff. Who can say? I do hope one day to feel I can trust without doubt and be worthy of another's attentions.

Service above self.

Thank you for serving me. Thank you for all the sacrifices you have made to ensure my freedoms and the freedoms of those I love. Thank you for your choice to be good and choose service to your country above yourself. The greatness of America is found in the goodness of her people. If her people cease to be good, America will cease to be great. Thank you veterans for being part of the good that has made America as great as she is. 

Completely Untitled

There is not a title I could put to this post that could be any more appropriate.

This crazy darling life of my family has changed dramatically. I don't know where to begin. I am just going to start from the right here and the right now.

I am Mom, Mommy, Momma, or Mo-om to four beautiful children: Joel, Josiah, Kallista, and Jenna. Joel is going to be fourteen in two days!! Josiah is twelve, Kallista is ten, and Jenna is nine. Time has escaped me: sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. Moments have passed: some lovely and worth remembering and some ugly and totally forgettable. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life and have learned so many things-- my take away for now: perspective is EVERYTHING.

So, I am back at it. I am going to blog again. Some of my posts will be completely my own thoughts and some will be an expansion on the thoughts of someone else. Regardless, it is time, I am ready, and I am doing this thing.

So Much has happened

It has been a long time since either one of us has written, and this is going to be a very quick update. Things have been very crazy here in many many ways. Most importantly - We have our court date on November 10th! We Fly to Ethiopia on Sunday 6th arriving Monday 7th Ethiopian time. We are staying through Saturday 12th as that is our sons birthday and we get to celebrate that with him. It almost seems surreal that this time is here. We are soooo excited to finally meet our son in person. We will update when we can, however at this time just pray for a successful trip and court appearance!

Roy

Thought about it and...

I have no idea what to post other than...

God knew the love I needed to get me through this week and as He always does, He did it, He came through. God is good... ALWAYS, ALL THE TIME, EVERY TIME. So thankful for the love. So many reached out and showed me the love I needed this week and I cannot express my thanks enough.

Another school year has started. I was fortunate enough to see my youngest babe off to her first day of Kindergarten and had such a meltdown! I thought for sure I would have no issue-- she had been to preschool the year before-- had my emotions in check. I got this, definitely have it covered. After dropping her off to the library with the rest of her class to wait for her teacher, I crumbled as the thoughts ran through my mind:  My youngest, dropped off to Kindergarten. This is it for the Narunsky Kindergarten drop-offs. What am I going to do? They are all growing up so quickly!! Where is my time going? I have no more babies. They are so big. 

I have been thinking a lot about my biggest boy. I wasn't able to get his new-school-year-sneaks for him. I wasn't able to smother him with major-Momma-is-going-to-miss-you-first-day-of-school-smoochies. Josiah got his even though he is home-schooled. I love how he pretends to hate it. I cannot wait for another son to pretend he does not want my hugs and kisses while smiling the entire time he gets them. I am waiting rather impatiently for our monthly update. I have a week to go but I am ready for it right now!! I am dying for answers to my 5 questions--- a little sneak peek into our newest son's personality-- his likes, his dislikes. I cannot wait for new pictures. So thankful that all of our final modifications to our paperwork are completed and hoping against all odds that we are issued a court date during this time of court closures for soon after courts re-open. I cannot wait to meet my son and have my first conversation with him. I cannot wait to hug him for the first time and tell him I love him...