Saturday, November 15, 2014

Just another day...

Is this an appropriate post? I don't know. I want to post with honor and with integrity. I am here to be real and nothing more. So, this is real. This is really my life. I guess if you need to turn a blind eye, do so. I am willing to own my feelings and my life and I am willing to be honest about them. I am not out to hurt anyone or bring anyone shame in the process.

That being said, I would also like to make this statement: I support marriage. I would never advise divorce. I would certainly not promote it as an "easy out" to any problem within a marriage. Divorce is ugly and divorce is difficult. Divorce is definitely not most hurtful to the two parties in the marriage that is ending, but to those surrounding them. The broken relationship of a marriage is usually known to be broken (no matter how much denial is done) by the couple in the marriage. I have had some of my relationships damaged and some even destroyed as a result of divorce. The wreckage after two lives separate affects EVERY SINGLE THING that ever touched the lives of the divorcees. Anyone who says differently-- well, I don't know-- I would dig a little deeper into that one before I believe the veracity of that statement.

My feelings regarding the statement "just another day" have changed dramatically throughout this phase of my life. Divorce is ugly. It should be a four letter word. I am not sure how long I have been divorced. I don't make it a point to keep track. The times and dates don't really matter and they certainly don't change the facts. I have suffered with the terrible feelings that occur to anyone in the aftermath of a divorce. The confusion and mistrust in relationships with anyone (friends, family, or lovers) takes a long time to resolve. Even as I think I have it solved and have learned to trust again-- there it is again-- the confusion of whether or not to trust. One misstep takes a fortune of times to rebuild and repair the relationship. Believe me-- there are not many people that tolerate the ups and downs of working out trust issues that did not originate with them and have absolutely nothing to do with them. The anger and resentment has faded almost completely. For that I am grateful. The physical manifestations of beings so angry-- the palpitations were terrible and the belly problems were unpleasant at best. The bitterness can still be overwhelming at times. What bothers me more than anything is the sense of inadequacy and worthlessness. I can repress everything but the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I hate to wonder if I am good enough. I hate to feel like I should not have good things happen. I hate to feel like I am not going to measure up. I hate to feel that I am not going to be successful in a relationship. The feelings are not always present but every now and then, they rear their ugly head and affect my life in ways I never anticipated or imagined they would. I find that the feelings come when I am having the best time. They creep in and overshadow a good time.

I don't think I can see a day in my life as "just another one" ever again. I am in the process of learning that each day is exactly what I make of it. I have the choice to make it a good day or a bad day. I can react positively or negatively to events. Of course there are outside circumstances that may influence my day one way or another, but truly, it is my reaction to the circumstances that will make or break my day. I have made my attempts at trying to control the roller coaster of emotions so that I can have a smooth ride and it seems the more I try to control, the more I run off the track and spiral out of control. If I just sit back and let it go, let it happen, and give the happenings over to the One that truly is in control, I make it through the day, the week, month, or months with laughs and smiles.

I am not sure why I felt the need to put this down or share any of it. They are my private feelings. Maybe some validation in just getting out there? Who knows? All new stuff for me and still learning it all. I don't know when or if I will ever "get over" all this stuff. Who can say? I do hope one day to feel I can trust without doubt and be worthy of another's attentions.


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