Saturday, April 2, 2011

So much going on in this mind of mine.

I am unsure of how to share all of what I am feeling and all that I am thinking at this moment in time. This will be a vague post and I will not apologize for having descretion. I think there are things that happen and details that should just not be shared. I also believe that there are things that if one is unsure of sharing, one should not share. And since I find myself in both of those positions, I will post only what I can share and that will be limited to my feelings.

I have so many dreams and sweet thoughts swirling in my mind, desires placed in my heart that leave me nothing but hope and happiness of what is to come. I cannot wait to turn to the next page in my life and see how my story is written. I am sure I would be flipping from one page to the next frantically reading because I just want to know what and how, who and when. I am excited for the future I know is destined for me-- I am just not sure how it is all going to happen. "Patience," I hear whispered in my ear. "I have the perfect plan, don't rush this." I want to know everything!! I want the glimpse-- forget the glimpes-- I have that-- I want to know every single last detail! "Patience."

On another side, so much hurt is happening for me right now. It is leaving me completely raw and angry. I am devestated and I have no idea how to reconcile the situation. Time will heal all wounds-- HA, not this one. My lips drip venom as I speak of situations that I cannot find the right in. WHY? WHY? WHY? "Leave it alone until you can speak only love." Will that ever happen? Will I ever be able to speak lovingly about something I think is so wrong? "Love and only love."

So blah! This is where I am. I am on this uneven emotional time right now-- some may call it an emotional rollercoaster. I am not sure that is accurate. My very different emotions are for very different situations. I am not being faced with a roller coaster of emotions for one single ride. I am experiencing several processes and the associated emotions for them. I am in need of a little emotional balance. I want the searing pain to stop. I want the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes to dry. I want my excited uncertainty to come into check. I just need to be, just for one minute of one day-- I just want to be.

I know I am not left comfortless and for that I am truly thankful. Thank you for the comfort. And I will still hope for the chance to "just be" soon.