Friday, July 1, 2011

The heart aching has begun. This is quite a familiar ache to me. I know others have dealt with this aspect-- my heart is experiencing the muscle memory of aching. My heart has a memory of aching for the ones I love. I ache when my family is out of reach. I ache when I drop visiting family at the airport. My reactions grow stronger and stronger. It takes my breath away and at times seems completely unbearable.

After Roy and I were married, we spent the better part of the first year of our marriage away from each other. I felt that emptiness and heartache of being incomplete. Circumstances that were completely out of our control made it impossible for us to be together in that first year-- let alone be on the same continent. I thought that would be the end of that aching.

Then, we met our son Josiah. It was difficult enough not having met him face to face and feel that aching that he was ours and we could not touch him. This aching only increased when we made our way to Russia to accept him officially as our son and then say good-bye while we waited 8 weeks for our day in court. I had many teary, sleepless nights knowing that our son was away from me and wondering if he was sleeping? Awake? Playing? Sick? Crying? Missing me? Being held? Being loved?

We moved to Florida. My Grandparents are a two hour drive away and the rest of our family is in NY, VA, or overseas. My heart breaks when I say good-bye to family. I crumble at the airport when it is time for drop off. I long for the next visits.

And now, I weep and hurt and ache for my newest son. The ache grows stronger and stronger as my heart remembers the hurts of being separated from the ones I love. The ones I know belong with me. My love for my second son is already so deep, it has only been two days. I am thankful beyond measure for my strong feelings for him. I cannot wait to smother him with my love. I miss him already. I am aching for my son to come home.

We are coming for you Joel-- you hang in there. This Momma cannot wait to get you home. I love you with everything I have already and I am so excited to meet you. Miss you.


At July 5, 2011 at 2:25 PM , Blogger Bethany said...

Praying for you and your family as you have this waiting game ahead of you. Praying for Joel as well as this is a big change in his life as well. He doesn't even know how much love is waiting here for him.


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