Fighting For Focus...
I am fighting with my spinning thought processes. Those who know me may find this amusing and even outright funny. I have been told that I can tell stories like no other since I sidetrack myself to the point that I have no idea what my original thought or story was. I have seen this "quirk" of mine literally frustrate people to the point of not wanting to even hear what I have to say. Truly. Today, I am experiencing that level of frustration with myself. I have such a flight of ideas going on right now that I cannot even concentrate on a thought long enough to talk about it. I would love to share but I am in a crazy place with all of this. I was hoping that if I went ahead a wrote a bit that maybe it would help me sort my mind out but... I have been here trying to compose this much for about 17 minutes. BLAH!! I wonder if it was just one topic that led to another that led to another that led to another like it usually goes if I would be a little more at ease.
Okay. Thought process number one. Josiah! Love him! What am I going to do with this child? We have been homeschooling this year and it has been an up and down process. Mostly up. Roy and I have been able to see a lot of benefits to this method of schooling for Josiah. It has allowed him the 1:1 interaction he has needed. It has allowed us to provide some very important resources for him. Josiah is now reaching a level that is frustrating him-- he has been climbing, climbing, climbing and is now reaching that plateau. I am impressed by his achievements. With the right tools and presentation he has become the sponge I always knew he could be. I believe, and I may be wrong, that it is still necessary to be pushy-- not in an overwhelming way-- but still push him a little further-- stretch that brain. He is frustrated. With the frustration we have seen some acting out. Do I back off? I don't know if that is the right idea either. This child is intelligent. He will connect the dots-- act out-- they back off-- they back off-- I don't have to work as hard. Is this normal for all kids? I don't know. Poor thing is my first. Do parents talk about the ways their children act out? I don't think so. Why? Shame, pride, facing others' judgements regarding parenting skills. Am I parenting like I should? All children are different. Have I looked at how I should be treating this one versus another? Am I actually doing okay and Josiah just is being a kid and sometimes kids do rotten things? Is that me making allowances or excuses for him so I can feel better about what I am doing or not doing for him? Am I holding him to a standard that is too high? Are my expectations too high or should I stick with them and know that he will get it eventually? Am I doing my best for him? What should I try? What should I do differently? Is he going to be able to go back to school next year or are we going to need to home school for another year? Am I really teaching him what he needs to know? Is he going to be able to go back to school and know what he needs to know to be successful? Have we made learning fun for him again? Am I making his life easier with my efforts or have I actually made it more difficult? Are my efforts really good enough for what he really needs? Hmmmm... swirling thought pattern number one. There is quite a lot more that I ask myself but let me just keep these pretty simple.
Number two is a very exciting thing for me to think about. Our adoption process. We are nearing the end of our mound of paperwork. We are waiting impatiently for one document before we prepare to submit our dossier to Ethiopia. Then, we wait. And I have a feeling we will wait some more after that. And then when it seems that we will never hear anything, we will wait some more. In one moment, in a dark moment when the moment we are waiting for seems that it will never happen, I will sigh. Then, the call will come. I have played this in my mind over and over and over. It is exciting to me. I can post my million and one questions that flood my mind on this one but really-- I will spare anyone reading. Just let me have my babes--- these arms were meant for children and they are ready for two more to love.
Flight of ideas, over-thinking-- call it what you will. So many ideas are springing up in this mind of mine and I am trying to figure out what is good, what is right, and what is best. If you add the few things I have listed here that are pretty big with everything else that goes on in my every day mind... WOW, WOW, WOW. I have just given the tip of the iceberg here. Gotta run... have things to think about. :)