Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Officially, a hot mess...

... that is how I would describe myself. I am on the emotional roller coaster that adoption is. I always felt the term "paper-pregnant" was totally tacky-- but now-- with all this emotion, I truly feel I have all the extra hormones coarsing through my veins while we work to get all our requirements done and bring our babies home.

I have not shed so many tears in years as I have this week alone and it is only Wednesday. I am up and down, high and low, ready to be further than I am yet not wanting to miss a thing. (Again, with the patience)

I am so sensitive to everything around me: spoken words whether they are kind or not, gestures of  love, gestures of utter apathy, smiles and dirty looks. I feel like my eyes are so open to everyone and everything around me. My emotions are raw and I smile and laugh through my joyful tears for the happy things and find myself  broken and hurting as I peer through my tears at all that is so sad to watch. I notice more each day things that are happening in my life, Roy's life, and my children's lives and I am in awe of how things are changing for us and happening for us. I sit with arms crossed, almost stunned-- Who would have thought?? Where did my jaded outlook go?

We have the first meeting for our home study on Saturday. I am frantically getting the final paperwork together so we can be properly prepared. This part of the process is tough. The feeling  and thought has not escaped me that paperwork stands between my babes and me.

Because we have adopted before, we (I should probably be writing "I" here.) really thought the paperwork would be a breeze. HA! None of our paperwork from Josiah's adoption is eligible for this adoption because it is too old. Lessons have been learned. Yes, we have adopted in the past but adoptions have changed so much. We are now just looking at this process as if we have NEVER been through any of it. I guess I was a little naive thinking that this adoption would be similar if not the same-- I really did expect the same time-line, same paperwork, etc... We are not adopting from the same country, regulations have changed, we are not using the same agency, etc... Hmmmm.

Fortunately, some of the paperwork is familiar. However, some is very different. We are required to write an autobiography. Totally new to us. We each write our own and this autobiography requires a lot of very personal details to be written for many to read. I am not ashamed of my life or my experiences-- I believe it has made me who I am now-- but, YOWZA-- the emotion it has stirred. I am writing down so many personal details that I don't think of on a daily basis and reflecting on them over and over as I edit and proofread. Overwhelming emotions have come to the surface that I was not prepared for. More tears shed...

I am spring cleaning this house and baby-proofing for the next two days. I do kinda sorta feel like I have to prove how to be a Mommy to these babies that are out there waiting for me. Anxiety inducing on some levels. On the positive side, baby-proofing is such a fun step to take for me as I get to take action and see results-- not process papers and wait.

Another overwhelming, happy, teary moment was seeing pictures of Jim and Tiff in Ethiopia holding their beautiful son. I am ecstatic that they have finally met their son... they have waited what seems like an eternity to get their hands on him. I so wish I could be there to just watch them in action. In my mind's eye, I see so many teary kisses and gentle nuzzles as I  hear so many soft whispers of "I love you," "I am your Mommy" or "I am your Daddy," and  "We can't wait to get you home, my son." I am so proud of them... look at the beautiful story they are living, the gorgeous picture of family they are painting-- amazing.

My heart is aching and breaking over and over. I need my hands on my babies. My chance is coming and I am looking forward to it with such anticipation...

Let it be my life's song ... "I Refuse" by Josh Wilson

"I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes... don't leave me hungry for love... Give me the strength to be everything I am called to be... Give me the strength to lead them with strong hands, to stand up when they can't, don't want to leave them hungry for love, chasing things that I could give up... I'll show them I'm willing to fight and give them the best of my life so we can call this a home." (Sanctus Real)


At January 20, 2011 at 6:10 AM , Blogger Bethany said...

Praying for you, Jill! I hope that the homestudy goes well. I am sure you will do great! How can they not love your family? :)


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