I do not love being confused and that is the only way I can describe my state of mind at this time. Is this my "not now?" I do not know what to do other than to be totally honest at this very moment. I am feeling so vulnerable by putting so much information out there because I do not know what direction my life is going in or what I may find myself doing.
I entered a week of prayer and fasting at our church feeling I was going to find clear direction because I was seeking it and I wanted it. I fasted for three days. I did not make it the entire week and am not sure what would have been different if I had. The details of why I gave up my fast are of no consequence and I am not going got get into it here. Regardless, I prayed more that week than I can remember doing in a long time. I was disappointed at the end of the week that I thought was going to be one of the most revealing times of my life-- I felt I knew nothing more than when I started.
As time went by, I started feeling that I needed to make a move. I cannot define it more than that. I can only say I felt it was time for a change. Though it wasn't the timing I anticipated... I was being blessed with a God given desire that I need to be doing something more. I started by envisioning myself working with orphans as a holder or as a helper or in whatever way I can to show them love-- not only my love, but God's love. As time has gone by, the desire has grown stronger. I was encouraged to share my desire with Roy. This is nothing we have talked about EVER. I mentioned it as a coward with a preface of, "You might think I am totally crazy but... " Roy's reply to me was overwhelming. It was more amazing than I could have ever anticipated. He replied that he has felt that we are in the wrong place and we need to be doing something different-- he also has felt a desire that we need to be overseas showing God's love and what it can do. WOW!
I was excited as I wrote a few emails to friends and acquaintances I know involved in missions. I had a beautiful reply. A friend of mine was so encouraging and gave me the advice I was seeking and the encouragement I needed. The following Sunday at church we received more encouragement. It seemed that everything that was spoken was showing me that we are headed the right way. We need to keep seeking and walking through open doors and we are going to be in sync with God's plan for our lives.
Then tonight, my low... I have had little shadows of doubt here and there but in the end I have always known that I am seeking God and I desire to achieve His objective for my life. I am rock bottom right now thinking to myself... We have a house that is not paid for. We have a car we owe on. We put in a pool last year-- we owe a bit on that. I think this is a problem. The housing market is horrible or believe me, I would sell-- I do not need this house to accomplish what God has made me for. A car, the pool-- meh, we can pay it off. This house is a massive hurdle. We bought at the peak of the market. Tears spill down my face right now as I sit in my owe-on-it-the-rest-of-my-life home thinking I may not be able to do what I am just dying to do... what I was made for.
I am not sharing for pity. I don't want it. I don't know that I even want advice. I am asking you to pray. Maybe this is not as bad as I am thinking? I really have no idea. Right now, at this very moment... I am feeling it is a pretty bad thing.